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i always thought in the back of my mind that if i really wanted something badly enough, i could always find a way to get it. no matter how long it would take, no matter how unfortunate my chances seemed, i always had a little voice in the back of my head saying that i’d find a way to get it. i can’t think of something i haven’t been able to get; i can only think of a very few instances where i actually just gave up and found something better.

this time it’s different. this time i really did lose. it’s so weird, foreign to me. i don’t know how to handle it. so here’s what i feel. i feel like i’ve been punched in the stomach about 1,000 times. i feel like my tear ducts are so full i could cry enough to water a whole desert. i feel like the pounding in my head will make it fall off completely. i feel shell shocked; i’m a stranger to my sudden realization.

and the worst part is, it’s not even over yet. i’m not strong enough to let it be over. i can’t let go. i don’t know how to get past this obstacle since it’s one i’ve yet to face. i wish life came with a book of guidelines. like, when this happens, to be okay again, follow these simple rules. but no. it can’t be that simple. and i guess i do appreciate that; i appreciate the fact that nothing is really given to you.

it just sucks sometimes.

letting go

“letting go isn’t always easy”

well no shit. letting go is one of the hardest things we, as people, can do. i wish it was as easy as the literal meaning. just being able to take your hands off of something, and boom, you’ve let go. but no, it’s rarely that simple. when you let go of something you cherish, be it a person, dream, idea, hope, wish, etc., you feel like you’ve lost.

maybe it’s just me, but i have real trouble letting go. it’s the scariest thing to me because i attach myself so much to the people around me, and the hopes and wishes i have. i know it’s not healthy, and i’m not saying i’m dependent, i just hate losing people. and when you let go of an idea about a person, it just makes it that much worse. it’s not easy, but most of the time, it’s necessary.

i’m the kind of person that really hates confrontation. i’ll do anything and everything to avoid it. and even more than confrontation, i hate hurting people. i’d rather do something to make someone else happy 1000 times even if it means hurting myself. so when i know that for my own sake and happiness i must let go of someone, it kills me. not because i was so attached and dependent on them, but because i know it hurts them, which makes it hurt me even more.

if you’re like me and you realize that for your own sanity and well-being, you must let go of something/someone so dear to you, you’d know that it wouldn’t be easy. i cherish my friends and loved ones more than anything else in the world, and losing them is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone like me. i try not to get attached, but that never works out. the people i know i shouldn’t get close to for various reasons end up becoming the people that know me best.

obviously, i’m struggling with the decision to let someone go. to move on. to free myself from their constant (and unknown to them) tug on my heart. to be happy again, and to quit waiting in the shadows for some kind of miracle to happen.

but i can’t do that. i wish i could. i wish i was bold enough to stand up and tell you exactly how i feel. how you make me feel about you and myself. how somehow you’ve come to know me, understand me, and accept me, more than almost anyone i know.

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so what? my brain’s pretty fucked up right now. i wish i had answers. i wish i had clarity. i wish i had simplicity. i wish i could move on. i wish letting go wasn’t so damn hard.