help!

i love my boyfriend

i hate his best friend

help.

scars.

“i think you’ll find you’re mistaken. my name is clearly written across the front and i recognise the scratch down the side (that happened in high school). this is my heart. you can’t just come here, and take it.”
-i wrote this for you-

anyone who’s ever been hurt before, and really hurt at that, can testify to the truthfulness of this one statement. the first time you give your heart to someone, you give it all. you’re innocent and ignorant and blissful. you don’t know any better. you don’t know how to guard it. you think you’re in love; you think he is too. so it’s only logical that in this “love” based relationship, you give him your heart.

and then he breaks it. fractures it. scratches it. whatever. the bottom line? you’re hurt, your heart has a scar, and that scar will always be there. like any other scar on your body, in time the pain will go away. but whenever you see it and really look at it, or when someone asks about it, you’re always going to go back to that place in time, that moment when it was merely a fresh wound. you’ll relive the tears briefly, smile, and thank God you made it through. you’ll be perfectly healed, but your scar will always remain.

to me, a scar is a reminder. it’s a reminder that at one point, you were in so much pain, you’ll do anything not to go through it again. scars are God’s gifts to us. they are His way of saying, “you’ll never have to go through that again, if only you are more careful next time.”

but who wants to live life constantly worried and protected? who wants to be the one who always says no because something sounds too risky? who wants to be the one to never fall in love because at one point, it nearly killed you? i know i don’t.

there’s no eraser for a scar, just as there is no rewind button for every mistake you make in life. each mistake is a lesson just waiting to be learned. and for every scar, there’s mederma scar cream for it.

for the heart, there is no mederma. there are only people. it’s possible for the scar to fade, possibly go away all together. at first, when you meet this miracle worker of sorts, you’ll be terrified. you’ll want to push him away, just as you’ve pushed everyone else away before. you don’t want another scar. but then you’ll get to know him. and for some reason you can’t explain, you’ll start to trust him. you’ll trust him more and more, and one morning you’ll wake up and realize that you’re in love. and there, at that moment, the scar from before fades just a hint. it still has a long way to go. just as mederma doesn’t work after one treatment, it’s going to take a while for the scar on your heart to evaporate completely. but once it starts to, you know that eventually, it will be gone for good.

thank you, thank you, thank you, for being my mederma.

blah

i always thought in the back of my mind that if i really wanted something badly enough, i could always find a way to get it. no matter how long it would take, no matter how unfortunate my chances seemed, i always had a little voice in the back of my head saying that i’d find a way to get it. i can’t think of something i haven’t been able to get; i can only think of a very few instances where i actually just gave up and found something better.

this time it’s different. this time i really did lose. it’s so weird, foreign to me. i don’t know how to handle it. so here’s what i feel. i feel like i’ve been punched in the stomach about 1,000 times. i feel like my tear ducts are so full i could cry enough to water a whole desert. i feel like the pounding in my head will make it fall off completely. i feel shell shocked; i’m a stranger to my sudden realization.

and the worst part is, it’s not even over yet. i’m not strong enough to let it be over. i can’t let go. i don’t know how to get past this obstacle since it’s one i’ve yet to face. i wish life came with a book of guidelines. like, when this happens, to be okay again, follow these simple rules. but no. it can’t be that simple. and i guess i do appreciate that; i appreciate the fact that nothing is really given to you.

it just sucks sometimes.

letting go

“letting go isn’t always easy”

well no shit. letting go is one of the hardest things we, as people, can do. i wish it was as easy as the literal meaning. just being able to take your hands off of something, and boom, you’ve let go. but no, it’s rarely that simple. when you let go of something you cherish, be it a person, dream, idea, hope, wish, etc., you feel like you’ve lost.

maybe it’s just me, but i have real trouble letting go. it’s the scariest thing to me because i attach myself so much to the people around me, and the hopes and wishes i have. i know it’s not healthy, and i’m not saying i’m dependent, i just hate losing people. and when you let go of an idea about a person, it just makes it that much worse. it’s not easy, but most of the time, it’s necessary.

i’m the kind of person that really hates confrontation. i’ll do anything and everything to avoid it. and even more than confrontation, i hate hurting people. i’d rather do something to make someone else happy 1000 times even if it means hurting myself. so when i know that for my own sake and happiness i must let go of someone, it kills me. not because i was so attached and dependent on them, but because i know it hurts them, which makes it hurt me even more.

if you’re like me and you realize that for your own sanity and well-being, you must let go of something/someone so dear to you, you’d know that it wouldn’t be easy. i cherish my friends and loved ones more than anything else in the world, and losing them is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone like me. i try not to get attached, but that never works out. the people i know i shouldn’t get close to for various reasons end up becoming the people that know me best.

obviously, i’m struggling with the decision to let someone go. to move on. to free myself from their constant (and unknown to them) tug on my heart. to be happy again, and to quit waiting in the shadows for some kind of miracle to happen.

but i can’t do that. i wish i could. i wish i was bold enough to stand up and tell you exactly how i feel. how you make me feel about you and myself. how somehow you’ve come to know me, understand me, and accept me, more than almost anyone i know.

lhaglkfjhadglkhdfgaklhfgalglfdjg

so what? my brain’s pretty fucked up right now. i wish i had answers. i wish i had clarity. i wish i had simplicity. i wish i could move on. i wish letting go wasn’t so damn hard.

my heart is not a toy

My heart is not a toy, despite what others may tell you.

You can't just play with it, and then when you get bored just put it away and act like it was nothing. You can't just use it for your own fun, but grow tired of it and think that it's okay to just put it back where you found it.

Cause you'll leave fingerprints at the very least. You might damage it a little. Hell, you might just break the whole thing.

Brokenness takes time to mend. Lots and lots of time. And I don't have that to waste on you. And even fingerprints take time to wash away, to clean off, to polish. So, no, my heart is not your toy.

My heart is not your object of entertainment. My heart is my soul, to be cherished and loved.

My heart is a breakable china, where one little scratch can send fractures and cracks throughout the whole delicate piece.

Take good care of my heart when I give it to you, and I'll do the same with yours.

wishes

I wish that sorry hadn't developed into a word with so little value anymore.

I wish that Ingrid Michaelson was more famous--she deserves it.

I wish that my parents, especially my mom, just understood/accepted how I want to live my life.

I wish there was no such thing as a lie.

I wish that unrequited love didn't hurt.

I wish that school required reading books were actually good and insighful...Marisa de los Santos anyone?

I wish that more people believed in the power of love.

I wish that others could hear God talk through whispers of the trees and songs of the birds.

I wish that I could sing.

I wish that being "different" didn't have such a negative connotation to most people.

I wish that I could meet Jason Mraz, and Eminem.

I wish that I was a Kardashian.

I wish that strawberry smoothies were actually healthy.

I wish that most doors didn't have to slam when they were closed in front of you.

I wish that I was skinnier.

I wish that "finding yourself" wouldn't be so impossible.

I wish that I had you.

love #1

#1

Songs that inspire.

SOMEONE SOMEWHERE; JASON REEVES

Someone is waiting
Someone who understands exactly how you feel
Exactly how you feel..
Someone is dreaming
Someone is hoping just that this will be the day
That this will be the day..
That you take your eyes off the ground
Out of the blue
And see that someone is looking right
Back at you..

Maybe that someone's me
Maybe it's meant to be
Lovers, strangers
Sometimes bombs fall quietly..
Maybe it's chemistry
Maybe it's hard to see that someone is the right one
I hope that someone is me..

Nobody's perfect
Nobody's perfect no one really knows the truth
All we've got's a point of view..
And there's too many questions
There's too many questions and too many reasons not to try
There's too many reasons not to try..

But you should take your eyes off the ground
Out of the blue
And see that someone is looking right
Back at you..


Where ya gonna go from here??
Cause everything you need's out there
And you can have it if you dare
If you dare
There's someone somewhere..